She Didn't Even Listen to Me

Well, talking with my Mam didn't go well at all. She didn't even want to listen to what I had to say; she thought that what I said was just a pathetic excuse for the way I've been treating her. Treating her? OK, so maybe I've gotten annoyed on a few occasions and had a dig at her. And she takes it so personally. Maybe I meant it to be personal. But surely what she's doing is much worse? She smokes around me which - and I believe I have a point - is totally inconsiderate as she knows that I'm asthmatic. She drinks every night, and complains that I never talk to her any more.The reason for this talk was to try to inform her, to tell her why I never talk to her. I never got the chance. She completely disregarded any ideas I had about anything. She considered it all as a dig at her, as a complaint about her character. She didn't even consider for a moment that it was important to me that we work it out. Maybe I approached it in the wrong way, but I still think she is acting childish, holding a grudge for all the things I've said to her. But weren't my intentions good? I wanted her to understand that she has hurt me too, by acting selfishly. But perhaps what she wanted to hear was an apology, and I don't want to give her one because of the way she disregarded me just now. She didn't even give me a fair trial. She knew I wanted to talk to her when I came in the room, because I told her yesterday, and back then she seemed pleased that I was willing to talk things through with her. With hindsight, maybe what she really felt was relief because when I told her I wanted to talk with her she went through a list of ridiculous possibilities like "Are you moving in with Paul?" No. "Are you pregnant?" Certainly not. "Is it about your studies?" Don't be stupid, this is what I've always wanted - to study English at a top uni. No, it's about my so-called 'attitude', I wanted to explain why it is. But when I came in and sat next to her she picked up her crossword book and started solving them like crazy, as if to avoid me. And it's sad, because it looked so pathetic, like an old woman panicking that her life is ending and trying frantically to hide from it by throwing herself into this pointless and futile exercise. I thought how strange it was, that the people who do crosswords seem to be people who have no one to talk to, people who are hiding from their lives because their lives seem to be worthless. You know, businessmen who are successful and rich but who are unhappy and still puzzling over how to find happiness; people who can't hold a relationship, lonely people, trying to hide from the truth by filling their minds instead with meaningless words. People who are close to breaking down. It might be wrong of me to feel this pity. My Mam is afraid of losing me, of losing all three of us, because we are growing up so fast that she can see us moving out and getting new lives already. She told me this years ago. It must be the case even more now. She worries that when we grow older, her life will become worthless. She worries that Paul's Mam is going to 'steal' me, which is completely ridiculous. But she makes the matter worse by drinking so much - who would go to a drunk person over a sober person for advice? Sarah gets annoyed by it too, though I think only for surface reasons. She just thinks that she's an annoying drunk, because she gets easily confused and repeats herself a lot. Yes, my Grandma drinks a lot, but she doesn't have children or a job to worry about, and she drinks socially. My Mam drinks watching the telly, every night. Yes, my Dad drinks, but he isn't so affected by it, he simply goes to bed when he's had enough. But my Mam doesn't know where to stop. And I get the impression that maybe she's doing it because she's unhappy. I think she's unhappy that she doesn't get enough support round the house, and that her children are going to stop loving her or stop caring. Maybe she's reading too much into the fact that we don't often help her with the housework and thinks that we don't care. It's not that we don't care, it's just that we aren't disciplined to do housework. But there again, is cause for her to take offence. I desperately need her cooperation to sort this out. It's not over yet.