The Student with Ambitions

First of all, apologies go out to everyone because I am a sad soul who can never find enough time to write in her blog. Actually, y'know, I take that back. Because being a student is hard work. We all appreciate that now that it's exam time. But all through the year I work hard, not just a week before the exams.

I have always known that I wanted to go to university. That I was going to study English Literature. From a very young age, I knew that. I assumed it was going to happen. Some people want to be footballers, some people want to be popstars, but for me it was university. And that's because I've always loved learning, and I've always loved literature. And because of the former point, I've almost always loved school, and now I love college. And I like to work. I'm one of those people who never has a day off because it makes me feel grotty and lazy, and therefore I always have to be doing something. At college nowadays, I never have a break. I walk straight out of lessons, past the crowd of eager youngsters trying to be heard over the noise, and go into the library as if I own it. I should own it by now - I'm in there more often than the librarians. All my work is done during college hours, and when I come home I'm free to do something else. Like read, or watch TV. But usually, I'm visiting Paul or he's visiting me so I don't have time to read, although admittedly we do watch TV.

The point is, I never have a free moment. I'm on fast forward every day. I have a lot of different commitments, of which college always comes first. Paul knows that. College comes first for him, too. Often we help each other revise, and I've been known to type up his coursework for him as he dictates.

Yesterday I had my third exam. Statistics. It wasn't too bad. I need it to be a B so I can go to Edinburgh University. I need Bs for Psychology and English Literature as well, but I'm not worried about that. I could even get an A for those. But Maths is tougher. So I work on it all day long. I work my way through a practice Maths paper almost every day, and for every marked paper my lecturer gives me back, I give him another two to mark. That's how hard I work.

Anyway, I'm worried. I'm averaging a C in Maths at the moment. And that won't get me anywhere. So what if I only get a C as my final result? My plan is to phone up Edinburgh, brag that I got an A in English (I'm confident about that) and try to persuade them that Maths is irrelevant anyway. But if I don't get in, that will be my dream shattered. Because I always knew I'd go to university. At some times I couldn't imagine myself going there and so I thought perhaps I would be run over by a bus and die before I got there. But here I am, and unless I'm so unfortunate as to be run over the summer before university, then I'm almost there.

My other problem is that I actually never thought about what I was going to do afterwards. So I'll be in Edinburgh, looking lost, with my Masters certificate in hand, jobless. After university, my aim has been achieved. My life will have to point in a different direction for the first time in eighteen years.

A still further problem is seeing Paul. He's still going to live here while he moves up into A2, and I'm going to be gallivanting in Edinburgh. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy the university life I've always dreamed of when I know that he's not there with me. He's scared I'll like university too much and forget about him, and maybe even meet someone else. Someone who lives in Edinburgh. And what about when he goes to uni? We'll both have to find gaps in our timetable then, and what are the chances that we'll be able to afford the time and money to see each other every week. The thing is, we're both ambitious twits. And we've already arranged what our life is going to be like when we're 30. We're going to have super-cool jobs, be rich, have a sports car and lots of basset hounds. In other words, we're both in this for the long run. And university is never going to mess up his and my dream of happiness.

But what about my dream of experiencing university?

Now. Paul's personal ambitions in education. He messed up his first year last year and was heading the same way in this his second AS year too, until I came along and he changed his ways. He's cleverer than me really, and he actually enjoys his work, he just never tried hard enough before. Now he's averaging As in all his subjects, and he has his own ambitions for success. As I said, he's really clever, and unlike myself, Paul has planned for the far future. He's only just got to the end of his AS year and already he knows he wants to go into business or law, which is a suitable life plan really. And me? Well, English doesn't sound like so useful a subject any more. I would never not do English, that's the problem. But my future afterwards is a little hazy. OK, so it's invisible. (Although publishing might not be a bad idea.)

I always thought that I'd be alright at this stage because I had already planned that I would be the youngest author in the world and would be rich as hell and never need a job. Well, I'm past that age now. I could still grab a book deal, I suppose, if I had enough time to write! And if I was super-good at writing, which I can't be because I've had no practice for God knows how long.

Finally, the point is, what do you do when your dreams fall apart? And things you thought were guaranteed to happen don't happen? A bit like losing your innocence and realising for the first time that actually, bad things can happen to you, and believing that they never would was just a childish strain of thought.

And so, after all this I feel a little bit unsteady. I hardly ever quail at the signs of futility ahead. Just yesterday morning, I woke to the futile thought that I would have to write a whole essay and revise for my afternoon exam all at once. And the workload didn't bother me, because I knew what I had do to, and I did it. But here I am, in a position where I don't know what to do. At least, not yet. I have made some plans (like phoning up Edinburgh and begging for that place even if I don't get a B in Maths). But I suppose that I'm trusting life to work it out on its own. Sometimes the best plan of action is just to wait. I'm a confident person, and I'm still in control.

Now comes the test of endurance.