Writing in Panic

I never mentioned my first relationship to anyone in very much detail. That's misleading, because it was a big part of my life. I'm still unsure about telling people about it even now. There were just so many taboos involved. And even now, I'm scared that someone I know will read what I've written about it. Feelings between us, and between me and my old friends, run deep.

I'm in the college computer room. The girl sitting beside me has left, and it's a relief because she was listening to Evanescence - music that I associate with my ex. Whenever I hear it my old feelings come back... depression, anger, sadness, hopelessness. Pure despair. I was so young. But while I regret the whole thing, I can't deny that it shaped me into the person I am. I learned a lot from it. I grew up quickly. I suppose (one admits reluctantly) it helped me in the long run.

I had to write about this because my feelings were building up when the music came on. Moving on from that...

I'm going back out tonight. To Ku club. Most people agree that it's a shit tip, but it's not so bad if you're with your friends and you enjoy the music. I love my nights out there.

Helen isn't going this week. Last time we went her knee dislocated itself and the silly woman pushed it back in place. It's still not healed so it's possible she's trapped a nerve or something in it. I don't know what the doctors have said - only that she has to stay at home and put no strain on it for a couple of weeks. Since Helen's not going out, I can stay at Ku till 2 or 3 in the morning if I like. That's a good thing - anything to delay saying goodbye to Paul, because I always find it really hard. I have to try not to forget myself like I usually do, as I've got Maths at 9 the next morning. I know it must seem like a stupid idea to go out when I have a lesson the next morning, but nothing will stop me going out. I need it for my sanity.

I was thinking of a new idea for a short story. I guess you could call it a fanfiction, but everyone will laugh at me if I tell them which literary work it's based on. So I'm not going to tell anyone. When I get the time, I'm going to start writing it. And when I finish, I'm going to post it here, along with my Villiers Park work. And I would appreciate some constructive feedback from the VP guys. (VP always reminds me of the word 'viper'.)

I think I've calmed down after the music. So I'm going to stop writing. It's over now.